PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Night is still young. Puking guts out part of it just began
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Dude she smelled like bar-b-que sauce. I can't think of anything better.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Randomize
