birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
CONGRATULATIONS! You have won: pictures of my nipples!
That accounts for only three of the penises
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I think my moral compass just broke
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