How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I drove your lawn mower home. Hope you don't need it tonight. I'll bring it over tomorrow.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
Holy fuck, my entire boob is bruised! Lierally my boob is just one big bruise.
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
Randomize
