I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
We could have fun in a cardboard box. Think of the damage we could do at an amusement park!
Randomize
