Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
You woke up, mumbled something about forgetting to lock the truck at work, slapped my ass, then passed out again...
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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