At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
So can you tell me who's underwear is on the cat?
Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.
I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
so i just met a former male stripper who has a lion king tattoo. new BFF? i think yes
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
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