Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I'm in the freezer. Shit took away any trace of hangover outa my body.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
She'll feel so accomplished if she finally gets to bang me.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
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