I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Yeah, but thats the third time she's peed on me.
zippers are such a cool invention
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
He kept sending me videos of his dogs while I was trying to masturbate. At what point does getting vagina-block apply?
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
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