I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
This gyro tastes like lonliness
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
I'm lost. Please come find me. I'm inside the I-270 circle somewhere. I can hear laughing.
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
Today's hangover is probably top 3 of all time. Just threw up in an envelope. I'm on the ferry and didn't want to get out to puke over the side because I thought I might fall in the river.
Randomize
