thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
THIS IS WHY I WENT TO SCHOOL FOR TO BE A COSMETOLOGIST TO HELP MY EX BOYFRIENDS CURRENT GIRLFRIEND BE MILDLY ATTRACTIVE... Everything DOES happen for a reason
I woke up with my wool blanket soaking wet on the dorm room floor, and my sweatshirt hanging on the shower door down the hall. So basically my camp-out-in-the-bathroom idea didn't turn out as planned
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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