after everytime she pucked, she insisted on us all giving her high fives
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
