I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
His balls looked like two miss shaped chicken nuggets
If you can count on one hand the number of times you have actually, truly nearly died this month, then you are not really living yet.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Ladies don't puke and tell
We were supposed fuck one time, but ended up fucking for 2 years.
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Randomize
