his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time
yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it
Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!
Not okay.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Is this a drinking picnic?
Is there another kind?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
Im part way to drunk.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
Randomize
