I cheated on you last night. I slept with my laptop.
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
that sounds horrible...
what could possibly go wrong attempting to re-enact the dinosaur capture scene from Jurrasic Park... I have the net gun and camcorder you have the dino costume and can run
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize
