So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Noooo no no no no. She scares me. She means business. She wore a diaper when we went to the bar.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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