And Anthony pissed on himself at the strip club
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
You ate my ass why wouldn't I remember you
I'm not sure you count what happened last night as sex.
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
