I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Slugs feel like vagina... thought you would want to know
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
