I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Randomize
