i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
The worst part was when I went to go spit it out and rinse my mouth, his grandpa was in the bathroom, so I had to fucking wait. It was awful. I finally ran to the kitchen and prayed his parents didn't come out of their room.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Buying drug test kits off amazon. And qualifying for amazonSmile donation to a kids hospital feels wrong and funny at the same time xD
I may have interrupted sex but im bringing them both to McDonalds. Am I not the greatest older sister ever?
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
He’s got a big dick and a big ego. This could be fun
Randomize
