Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
He came, while we were making out fully clothed. I'm going to write a book.
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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