i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
I can hear my fat mexican neighbor yelling "do you like that!" ...I hope its not his dog
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
