No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
