Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
Randomize
