I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
On Friday, can we drink like its Civil Wars times and the doctor's coming to saw off our gangreen infected legs?
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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