dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
Correction: *I* watched JoJo's Bizarre adventure while he snored asleep on me cock still fully inside me.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
