I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
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