Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
got into a verbal altercation with Luke Harangoty last night over a table. Called him a cross-eyed fuck and got the table.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
