New invention idea: vibrating tampons
So I've been thinking a lot since she told me she's prego. But what I want to know is why my voice of reason sounds like Thomas fucking Jane!?
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
Ong my arms are moving wo my consent
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Please come over. It's a pajama and burn-2016-in-effigy party
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
Randomize
