i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
We should write a comic book about the many adventures of your vagina. Maybe even give it a cape or something.
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
