I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i failed horribly. studying for that final was as pointless as Vinnie is to Jersey Shore
Married on the beach in PCB while blackout drunk. Bonged beers on the sandbar for a bachelor party. They shotgunned beers at the end of the vows. How is spring break allowed to happen?
Something smells like weed and I think it might be my mascara. Come sniff my eyes
Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
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