dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I just saw a dude get out of an ambulance with nothing but wallabees on
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
Randomize
