how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
When do i get to see u next week?
When I teabag your entire family
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
you were grinding on the cop whispering for him to lend you his tazer.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
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