I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Lauren she was gnawing on a dresser. Gnawing. On. A. Dresser.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
Randomize
