wake up i wanna do it froggy style
16 and pregnant actually makes me really happy that i'm gay
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
We were driving past a farm when he screamed at me to stop the car, then he jumped out and tried to ride a cow.
I dont think the chain smoking, tequila shots or cocaine was good for my bronchitis.
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