Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
He just climbed off me and used my hairspray to fix his hair. If he hadn't just gone down on me I would think he's gay.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
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