dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I found them in the kitchen microwaving bottle rockets chanting U.S.A U.S.A U.S.A
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
i was so fucked up i thought i was at home depot
You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
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