I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
all I'm saying is if you're gonna fuck a fat chick do it in a pool it's like zero gravity or something
how did you graduate high school
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
Randomize
