Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
did you find a tooth?
did you lose one?
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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