I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
He called me an ungrateful bitch because I lauged when he asked me "how do you me and a bed sound?"
Like I should be grateful for the 5 minutes I sit on top of him and stare at the wall.
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
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