My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
I am spending my child support on dildos
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
Is it a bad thing that the only time i wear nice clothes to class, is when i get too fucked up the night before and wear the same clothes i went out in?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
i am already firmly committed to doing irish carbombs w/ 12 different people, and the st pattys day party doesnt start for another 24 hours. i may die
Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
Randomize
