I accidentally burped into my bong.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
everytime someone would look at you, you started to try and deep throat your beer bottle.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
PLAN B IS EXPENSIVE ON A $50 A WEEK BUDGET.
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I wish my nipples were as well behaved as yours.
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
