This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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