Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Being thankful with your family is one thing. Being thankful with your friends while getting drunk and smoking bowls while eating leftovers, priceless.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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