you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
