It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
We need a shit load of segways right now
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
Randomize
