Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
Now that mom and dad sold the camper, do you think it's okay to talk about all the sex I had in it?
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
She said "I feel like I haven't reached my full potential" and I couldn't figure if she meant in life or with the weed..
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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