I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
Randomize
