im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Just paid my weed guy with a check. I've got this whole adult thing down.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I have beer and butt plugs...pretty sure I will find a way to entertain myself while I wait
Randomize
