the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
I guarantee you he will only fuck with old bitches from now on
Randomize
