I wannas sexs uuuuu
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
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